Welcome back to Carpe Diem

Salam to myself!
After like 5 years.. I think my last post was in 2008, here I am again.. kali ni bertekad akan meneruskan menulis walau apapun.. (heheh iyolah tu..)

A lot of things happened in these 5 years.. byk nk tulis tp aku agak2 tak kan tertulis punya la.. tp aku akan cuba korek dr ingatan aku dan cuba itk tulis kidah2 besar sahaja sepanjang 5 tahun ini.. moga memberi pengajaran pd sesiapa yg membaca (ada ke??) tak pun sebagai peringatan bg diri sendiri.. insya allah...

But then... x leh la nak start tulis arini sbb ari ni dah ada jadual sepanjang hari untuk dilengkapkan.. tulis blog x termasuk dlm jadual ari ni yer uhukkssss.... so insya allah.. pertengahan bulan June ni free skit bole la mula....

Apapun I am happy to be back in Carpe Diem!! It's a life saviour!!

Life's sometimes plays a funny game on me. But I am fine with it. Too many things that I should be thankful for instead of complaining things which I don't have. Tapi kekadang confuse jugak..

I am currently at MOSTI. Yesterday, Boss and I went for a briefing from Pengurusan. In the end the discussion was about me. They didnt even know where to put me. And I am not sure if they have forwarded my letter to SPA.. for me to be officially appointed! And my time here is up till end of December. I'll go back to UPM in January if no letter is out for me from SPA. I understand the situation here. I fully comprehend that as much as she feels that she needs me, I am not that welcome by the rest of the population. But I am fine with it. It doesnt bother me a bit!

But so far, what I see is totally not what I expected! Her job is not that tough (so far!) nor that much. She would have time to do her other thgs in comparison to back in the uni. This is due to the ppl of whom she could delegate it to. So it got me to thinking that what am I doing here? The language is a bit different for me to swallow. I cant see any project or anythg that requires my contribution or that anythg worth my time being here. I seriuosly do not know if she really needs me here in the fisrt place. I am no longer sure of the kind of exposure / learning skills that I expect to gain during my tenure here. I am not sure if I'd be useful in this office or if I could develop and acquire skills or even to be a better me by being here. So if SPA's letter doesnt come, it probably is a blessing in disguise. But how long do I have to wait? New boss at old place is already appointed and will come in next week. I have packed my things in the old office but not sure wat to do with them - whr to bring them!!

For sure, I miss UPM! As much as I try to act cool about it, I know that I am not ready to leave it but then again.. life goes on.. huhuhu

continuation of Smthg Always Happen at This Time of Every Year

In 2003 I remembered that I shifted house to Taman Equine but not to K.Sam’s house. This was due to K.Tun needed a break, in great conflict.

In 2005, I moved to K.Sam’s house as it is empty (she went back to kampong to raise Raha there) and I was waiting for my own flat house to be ready (hopefully by the end of that particular year! Yup! I bought it via an auction!! What an experience! It was actually a birthday present for myself J

Anyway, I am writing for 2008 of course! As I was writing it early, it did not cover for what happen in October. Yes, I knew Boss wanted to take me to MOSTI (even when I was in UK!) and she even made a pact with Dato Max that if she goes, I go too. Apparently her part has settled! She has received all the proper documentation from JPA while my case is still hanging! Yup, even though I agree to go, I guess it was because I was fed with the idea that if I stay, I’ll work directly for ‘him’. And that freaks me! Thus, I said YES to boss! However, I have my doubts. This is exactly like 2 years ago when I was supposed to go to MIROS huhuhu. Dejavu…

I understood the scenario : Even though at this point those people involved said ok for me to go, I am not surprised if they change their minds: new boss needs me to comprehend the job, thus, they need me there - putting the interest of the university as top priority as a friend bluntly told me. Therefore, I am not sure of what will happen to me next!! Just wait and see!

KSU asked Boss why she wants to take me along. Apart from saying that if she has to be in meetings all day, I could start working.. she said that I am actually her ‘check and balance mechanism’, that I am able to point out her mistake and rectify it. (She has got to be kidding me!!) I am deadly scared.. I think in UPM I am doing it ok because I am familiar with the environment and I have strong support for I could trust the info I got (thanks mostly to suppu hehehe) and I know that the goal for it is for the benefit of the university. But MOSTI is totally a different setting and the most importantly, who’s gonna be my level-headed informer? Huhuhuhu.. I am also worried if I could not fit the shoes. What am I supposed to do then? Boss has painted a picture of me as superwoman.. I bet they are all anxious to meet who Azizah is… Whoooaaaaaaaaaa……

From the eyes of the outsider, this may look to be a very good opportunity. I have to agree with them only to certain extent!! I am not sure if I am ready for this kind of change. My learning curve should be 90 degrees.. Am I up to it?? Huhu. And reminders from those whom I asked if I should go or not – ensure that when I come back, UPM would give me the same rank as what MOSTI would give me. And who am I to ensure that? I don’t have the answers!! And I do not want to be making that as one of the factors hindering me from going there – that probably would be the last reason… and coming back strategy to UPM after 2 years?? Nak buek camno tu?? Huhuhu.

So, the ultimate question is : ????

What About Now??

WHAT ABOUT NOW - CHRIS DAUGHTRY

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading, From all the things that we are
But are not saying. Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you. For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day. This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light. I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away? What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,

What about now? Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far, Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear, For I am right beside you.
For all my life, I am yours.

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away? What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away? What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late, Baby, before it's too late,


Note: I believe that everything happens for a reason and sometimes we dont need to understand why. Just have faith that it happens for the best!!!

A lot of things happened, a lot of things to write but at this very moment - this is the best I could do huhuhu

The Journey

I survived my 2 weeks in Warwick!! I did it!! I survived the presentations!! I tot that I would never make it - even if I made it, I was pretty sure that badly! But now looking back at how things were, it was not bad at all! It was tough! Bearing UPM's name is not easy especially in the foreign land! Their expectation was extremely high of me as a representative of UPM. The least I could do is to act intelligent, right?

The first few days were definitely challenging! And I realised that my salvation and strengths - I owe it to Allah. I was down and it was so hard to cope but I stood up bravely to the challenge and Allah helped me as he always does. The first few days I can pray. Once boleh solat, I could feel that I felt stronger. Teringat kisah Nabi Muhammad SAW ketika peristiwa Israk & Mikraj, di mana baginda melalui pengembaraan yang istimewa. Tahun tersebut juga merupakan tahun dukacita dengan kewafatan Khatijah r.a. dan kekalahan dalam perang. Dalam peristiwa ini jugalah solat diwajibkan ke atas umat Nabi Muhammad SAW. Dan solat itu sebenarnya merupakan hadiah bagi kita untuk memohon dan mengadu kepada Allah SWT kerana hanya kepada Dialah kita berserah. I felt the truth to this.. Setiap tengahari, walaupun berjalan untuk balik ke bilik (dalam 15 minit) untuk bersolat merupakan something that I looked forward to everyday..and that's how I survived.. Allah berikan rahmatNya dengan memberikanku kekuatan yang kuperlukan.. Allhamdulillah.. Terima kasih tuhan...

This trip, if it did not make me a better person, it does at least give me a new perspective on my relations with Allah. It was wierd.. I was alone but I never really felt lonely.. I know Allah gave me the strengths, the intelligence, the guts so that I was able to face this!! He gave me the ability to adapt and adopt to survive in any situation.. Terasa diri sungguh kecil dan walau tak punya apa-apa, I am ok because He's with me...all the time..

Sepanjang perjalanan ini memang dipermudahkan olehNya.. sedari awal lagi.. Sayang betul Allah pada aku sebenarnya..ingat lagi bila nak ke Warwick Castle, bas tak datang2, pemandu bas la yang suggest pergi ke Leaminton dulu kemudian ambil bas lain ke Warwick. Dia jugalah yang belikan one day ticket kerana kalau tidak, tambang tersebut akan lebih mahal. I found my way to Warwick Castle, had a great time and met lovely people. Met some Malaysian and of course depa tengok pelik agaknya sebab sorang-sorang jer but I didnt give a damn!! I had fun - exploring new place, lots of things to see with my own eyes cos before this, I saw all of these on TV!! Bersyukur betul ada mata yang boleh melihat and enjoy His greatness!!

Funny thing also happened, got on the bus with the same driver from Leamington to Warwick Uni.. haha.. The day before (Friday), I met a few Malaysian students in the Prayer Hall in the Chaplaincy.. ehh to be continued la.. time's running out huhu

Something Always Happened at this Time of Every Year

Hehehe who would have thought.. Me in UK?? Just like a dream but dreams do come true if you are persistent enuf.. However, I dont think that I am persistent but I guess it pays off to focus on your goal and work on it - the magic word is - the goal!!!


Anyway, I am writing this to remind myself how my life has been blessed. There were hiccups along the way but I believe they are to make me who or what I am today - a better person I hope!!! It has been 10 years since I graduated my first degree.. After July 98, I keep a close look on my life during these three months : August, September & October and every year good / or not and unexpected things happen to me. I knew things would happen somewhere near or after my birthday which falls on September 15. Let me just list them down:


1998 - Graduation in July, started my career as English Lecturer (my first official job!) in Lagenda College, Langkawi on August 13, despite Bapak said no. I had a 'paid vacation' but thank god I was back to the mainland by Feb 99. Just cant stay away from home hehehe


1999 - This was the most devastating year in my life ~ Bapak passed away on 22nd September - a week after my birthday. There wont be a day passes by without me missing him.. Dont even know when this pain will subside. People say time heals but losing Bapak is the pain I still could feel and always brought tears in my eyes. I carried him in my heart every single day and at times like this I wish I could just hug him one more time, or hear his laugh or feel his hand on my head.. Alfatihah, moga Bapak ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang beriman...


2000 - September ~ I got a work with Medical Online in Jln. Yap Kwan Seng.. dunno what happen to this company now!!
October ~ I got a new job with Asia Pacific Institute of IT in Damansara. The pay was good but the cost of living had also increased as I work in 'high class area' huhuhu


2001 - October ~ I bought my car - SATRIA WJN 4569 of which I really love!!! I ordered 0n August 31, but got the car on the October 13th.


2002 - September ~ I got a job with UPM. Well, another chapter of my working life (and I would think would be a long one) .....


2003 - Can remember what happen this year.. huhuhu (may be the sign of aging..) - was is mak was operated for hip replacement ka?? Ontahlah...


2004 - I think i met with an accident - cant really remember the details...


2005 - Kene saman polis 2 kali due to speeding huhuhu


2006 ~ October ~ I was transferred to a new department in the office. I was (and til now!!) appointed as the Special Officer to the Deputy Vice Chancellor (Academic & International) and had the privillage to work with and amazing and aspiring leader.. well it would be a different book if I were to write about Prof. Radin huhuhuhu.



2007 ~ A lot of good things happened to me during these months this year. Gonna just list them down:
1. I passed my PTK 2
2. I got promoted (in July actually!!!)
3. I graduated in Master of Corporate Communication
4. I got Anugerah Perkhidmatan Cemerlang
5. There's sth but I can figure out what!! Ohhh yeah - got to travel to Taiwan with Boss!!

2008 ~ Am in UK for a good 3 weeks (9-30th August 2008) - who would have thought?? and I am writing this in august! More things may happen in September and October so I am crossing my fingers!! Huhuhu

Anyway, my point is.. terlalu banyak yang perlu disyukuri. Let's be thankful with what we have instead of complaining what we dont have!!!

Leave Out of the Rest

"Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park"
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know

Chorus
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have youS
o if you're asking me
I want you to know

Chorus
ForgettingAll the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
[Chorus]


*Well, I do hope at least some one will miss me when I'm gone huhu*

Linkin Park rocks!!!!!