Carpe Diem

2008-12-03T09:32:00.000-08:00

Life's sometimes plays a funny game on me. But I am fine with it. Too many things that I should be thankful for instead of complaining things which I don't have. Tapi kekadang confuse jugak..

I am currently at MOSTI. Yesterday, Boss and I went for a briefing from Pengurusan. In the end the discussion was about me. They didnt even know where to put me. And I am not sure if they have forwarded my letter to SPA.. for me to be officially appointed! And my time here is up till end of December. I'll go back to UPM in January if no letter is out for me from SPA. I understand the situation here. I fully comprehend that as much as she feels that she needs me, I am not that welcome by the rest of the population. But I am fine with it. It doesnt bother me a bit!

But so far, what I see is totally not what I expected! Her job is not that tough (so far!) nor that much. She would have time to do her other thgs in comparison to back in the uni. This is due to the ppl of whom she could delegate it to. So it got me to thinking that what am I doing here? The language is a bit different for me to swallow. I cant see any project or anythg that requires my contribution or that anythg worth my time being here. I seriuosly do not know if she really needs me here in the fisrt place. I am no longer sure of the kind of exposure / learning skills that I expect to gain during my tenure here. I am not sure if I'd be useful in this office or if I could develop and acquire skills or even to be a better me by being here. So if SPA's letter doesnt come, it probably is a blessing in disguise. But how long do I have to wait? New boss at old place is already appointed and will come in next week. I have packed my things in the old office but not sure wat to do with them - whr to bring them!!

For sure, I miss UPM! As much as I try to act cool about it, I know that I am not ready to leave it but then again.. life goes on.. huhuhu

continuation of Smthg Always Happen at This Time of Every Year

2008-11-03T03:41:00.000-08:00

In 2003 I remembered that I shifted house to Taman Equine but not to K.Sam’s house. This was due to K.Tun needed a break, in great conflict.

In 2005, I moved to K.Sam’s house as it is empty (she went back to kampong to raise Raha there) and I was waiting for my own flat house to be ready (hopefully by the end of that particular year! Yup! I bought it via an auction!! What an experience! It was actually a birthday present for myself J

Anyway, I am writing for 2008 of course! As I was writing it early, it did not cover for what happen in October. Yes, I knew Boss wanted to take me to MOSTI (even when I was in UK!) and she even made a pact with Dato Max that if she goes, I go too. Apparently her part has settled! She has received all the proper documentation from JPA while my case is still hanging! Yup, even though I agree to go, I guess it was because I was fed with the idea that if I stay, I’ll work directly for ‘him’. And that freaks me! Thus, I said YES to boss! However, I have my doubts. This is exactly like 2 years ago when I was supposed to go to MIROS huhuhu. Dejavu…

I understood the scenario : Even though at this point those people involved said ok for me to go, I am not surprised if they change their minds: new boss needs me to comprehend the job, thus, they need me there - putting the interest of the university as top priority as a friend bluntly told me. Therefore, I am not sure of what will happen to me next!! Just wait and see!

KSU asked Boss why she wants to take me along. Apart from saying that if she has to be in meetings all day, I could start working.. she said that I am actually her ‘check and balance mechanism’, that I am able to point out her mistake and rectify it. (She has got to be kidding me!!) I am deadly scared.. I think in UPM I am doing it ok because I am familiar with the environment and I have strong support for I could trust the info I got (thanks mostly to suppu hehehe) and I know that the goal for it is for the benefit of the university. But MOSTI is totally a different setting and the most importantly, who’s gonna be my level-headed informer? Huhuhuhu.. I am also worried if I could not fit the shoes. What am I supposed to do then? Boss has painted a picture of me as superwoman.. I bet they are all anxious to meet who Azizah is… Whoooaaaaaaaaaa……

From the eyes of the outsider, this may look to be a very good opportunity. I have to agree with them only to certain extent!! I am not sure if I am ready for this kind of change. My learning curve should be 90 degrees.. Am I up to it?? Huhu. And reminders from those whom I asked if I should go or not – ensure that when I come back, UPM would give me the same rank as what MOSTI would give me. And who am I to ensure that? I don’t have the answers!! And I do not want to be making that as one of the factors hindering me from going there – that probably would be the last reason… and coming back strategy to UPM after 2 years?? Nak buek camno tu?? Huhuhu.

So, the ultimate question is : ????

What About Now??

2008-10-30T18:46:00.000-07:00

WHAT ABOUT NOW - CHRIS DAUGHTRY

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading, From all the things that we are
But are not saying. Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you. For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day. This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light. I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away? What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,

What about now? Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far, Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear, For I am right beside you.
For all my life, I am yours.

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away? What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now? What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away? What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late, Baby, before it's too late,

Note: I believe that everything happens for a reason and sometimes we dont need to understand why. Just have faith that it happens for the best!!!

A lot of things happened, a lot of things to write but at this very moment - this is the best I could do huhuhu

The Journey

2008-09-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

I survived my 2 weeks in Warwick!! I did it!! I survived the presentations!! I tot that I would never make it - even if I made it, I was pretty sure that badly! But now looking back at how things were, it was not bad at all! It was tough! Bearing UPM's name is not easy especially in the foreign land! Their expectation was extremely high of me as a representative of UPM. The least I could do is to act intelligent, right?

The first few days were definitely challenging! And I realised that my salvation and strengths - I owe it to Allah. I was down and it was so hard to cope but I stood up bravely to the challenge and Allah helped me as he always does. The first few days I can pray. Once boleh solat, I could feel that I felt stronger. Teringat kisah Nabi Muhammad SAW ketika peristiwa Israk & Mikraj, di mana baginda melalui pengembaraan yang istimewa. Tahun tersebut juga merupakan tahun dukacita dengan kewafatan Khatijah r.a. dan kekalahan dalam perang. Dalam peristiwa ini jugalah solat diwajibkan ke atas umat Nabi Muhammad SAW. Dan solat itu sebenarnya merupakan hadiah bagi kita untuk memohon dan mengadu kepada Allah SWT kerana hanya kepada Dialah kita berserah. I felt the truth to this.. Setiap tengahari, walaupun berjalan untuk balik ke bilik (dalam 15 minit) untuk bersolat merupakan something that I looked forward to everyday..and that's how I survived.. Allah berikan rahmatNya dengan memberikanku kekuatan yang kuperlukan.. Allhamdulillah.. Terima kasih tuhan...

This trip, if it did not make me a better person, it does at least give me a new perspective on my relations with Allah. It was wierd.. I was alone but I never really felt lonely.. I know Allah gave me the strengths, the intelligence, the guts so that I was able to face this!! He gave me the ability to adapt and adopt to survive in any situation.. Terasa diri sungguh kecil dan walau tak punya apa-apa, I am ok because He's with me...all the time..

Sepanjang perjalanan ini memang dipermudahkan olehNya.. sedari awal lagi.. Sayang betul Allah pada aku sebenarnya..ingat lagi bila nak ke Warwick Castle, bas tak datang2, pemandu bas la yang suggest pergi ke Leaminton dulu kemudian ambil bas lain ke Warwick. Dia jugalah yang belikan one day ticket kerana kalau tidak, tambang tersebut akan lebih mahal. I found my way to Warwick Castle, had a great time and met lovely people. Met some Malaysian and of course depa tengok pelik agaknya sebab sorang-sorang jer but I didnt give a damn!! I had fun - exploring new place, lots of things to see with my own eyes cos before this, I saw all of these on TV!! Bersyukur betul ada mata yang boleh melihat and enjoy His greatness!!

Funny thing also happened, got on the bus with the same driver from Leamington to Warwick Uni.. haha.. The day before (Friday), I met a few Malaysian students in the Prayer Hall in the Chaplaincy.. ehh to be continued la.. time's running out huhu

Something Always Happened at this Time of Every Year

2008-08-10T06:22:00.000-07:00

Hehehe who would have thought.. Me in UK?? Just like a dream but dreams do come true if you are persistent enuf.. However, I dont think that I am persistent but I guess it pays off to focus on your goal and work on it - the magic word is - the goal!!!

Anyway, I am writing this to remind myself how my life has been blessed. There were hiccups along the way but I believe they are to make me who or what I am today - a better person I hope!!! It has been 10 years since I graduated my first degree.. After July 98, I keep a close look on my life during these three months : August, September & October and every year good / or not and unexpected things happen to me. I knew things would happen somewhere near or after my birthday which falls on September 15. Let me just list them down:

1998 - Graduation in July, started my career as English Lecturer (my first official job!) in Lagenda College, Langkawi on August 13, despite Bapak said no. I had a 'paid vacation' but thank god I was back to the mainland by Feb 99. Just cant stay away from home hehehe

1999 - This was the most devastating year in my life ~ Bapak passed away on 22nd September - a week after my birthday. There wont be a day passes by without me missing him.. Dont even know when this pain will subside. People say time heals but losing Bapak is the pain I still could feel and always brought tears in my eyes. I carried him in my heart every single day and at times like this I wish I could just hug him one more time, or hear his laugh or feel his hand on my head.. Alfatihah, moga Bapak ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang beriman...

2000 - September ~ I got a work with Medical Online in Jln. Yap Kwan Seng.. dunno what happen to this company now!!
October ~ I got a new job with Asia Pacific Institute of IT in Damansara. The pay was good but the cost of living had also increased as I work in 'high class area' huhuhu

2001 - October ~ I bought my car - SATRIA WJN 4569 of which I really love!!! I ordered 0n August 31, but got the car on the October 13th.

2002 - September ~ I got a job with UPM. Well, another chapter of my working life (and I would think would be a long one) .....

2003 - Can remember what happen this year.. huhuhu (may be the sign of aging..) - was is mak was operated for hip replacement ka?? Ontahlah...

2004 - I think i met with an accident - cant really remember the details...

2005 - Kene saman polis 2 kali due to speeding huhuhu

2006 ~ October ~ I was transferred to a new department in the office. I was (and til now!!) appointed as the Special Officer to the Deputy Vice Chancellor (Academic & International) and had the privillage to work with and amazing and aspiring leader.. well it would be a different book if I were to write about Prof. Radin huhuhuhu.

2007 ~ A lot of good things happened to me during these months this year. Gonna just list them down:
1. I passed my PTK 2
2. I got promoted (in July actually!!!)
3. I graduated in Master of Corporate Communication
4. I got Anugerah Perkhidmatan Cemerlang
5. There's sth but I can figure out what!! Ohhh yeah - got to travel to Taiwan with Boss!!

2008 ~ Am in UK for a good 3 weeks (9-30th August 2008) - who would have thought?? and I am writing this in august! More things may happen in September and October so I am crossing my fingers!! Huhuhu

Anyway, my point is.. terlalu banyak yang perlu disyukuri. Let's be thankful with what we have instead of complaining what we dont have!!!

Leave Out of the Rest

2008-08-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

"Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park"
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know

Chorus
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have youS
o if you're asking me
I want you to know

Chorus
ForgettingAll the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
[Chorus]

*Well, I do hope at least some one will miss me when I'm gone huhu*

Linkin Park rocks!!!!!

Just a simple update..

2008-07-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

I got a lot of things in my head... Rumah kampung, Langkawi trip next week, UK trip next month, etc etc.. and time seems to be my biggest enemy now...

But I dont want to deal with those things yet!!
I watched two movies last nite - a marathon huhu and yet still couldnt find the slot to watch Hancock!! And looking forward for Dark Night! Huhuhu And I'd better watch them before my Langkawi trip!! Else i'll miss them!

Life's good in general! I went for working trip to Bintulu and Kuching last week with Boss and cant help feeling that last week was my most unproductive working time as I personally feel that I could accomplish a lot should I stay in the office and maybe time would not be so cruel to me now... But I had the chance to listen to my ex-boss chairing a meeting and I had the satisfaction that even though a lot of people (his people) ignored me during the meeting, he came over to me and asked how I was.. and then only they realised that I was THAT officer hahaha... and I learnt in a hard way that I really miss working for / with him. I cant help but to compare my current bosses with him and what I actually missed out...huhuhu. As much as I know everything happens, happens for a reason..and keep telling myself that I have moved on..

Anyway, I cant succumb to what I am feeling and miss all the fun now. Must be able to face the fact that I'm here, and still be here in ten years time (insya allah).. I am sure there are a lot of things that I can look forward to.. am sure I'll be orite..

I Hate Politics!!!

2008-05-23T23:51:00.000-07:00

As the Malaysian polititic's scenario becomes a laughingstock to the rest of the world, I am feeling its similarity to the one's in my current workplace...(may be I am the only one's laughing!!! Hahaha)

Most things happen in front of my eyes..Sometimes I do not understand the head or tail of the situation, but I am somewhat being pulled to be involved and give my opinion.. (and how could I give my personal, honest and best opinion if I dunno wat's goin' on??). Funny how things are sometimes... Mahathir keluar UMNO dan implikasi ke atas kepimpinan Pak Lah.. Even though noone's opting out here, the leadership of this company is at stake.. very much at stake..

I personally feel that the ship lacks of unity amongst its people. Everybody's too busy maximizing what they can get out of the situation...and some are too busy to notice what's going on...either too dumb or indifference and could'nt be bothered. I am not blaming the latter as (I am one of them!) eventhough if they care and tried to do something about it, noone would listen. by the end of the day, you are back to square 1!! + Frustrated!!

The main character to pull everyone in one direction seems to be occupied with other things with no strategic plan to play the game.. And even though his spot is shaky, yet he has no plan to improve the situation.

Quoting Liza n d gang : 'Apa yang penting - KeRjASaMa!!!

Muahahahaha..

(This was actually written on May 23rd.. I tot I would want to prolong this piece of writing but... save it till laterla.. hehehe)

In the Seek of Happiness

2008-05-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

What's more depressing??

1. Single (regardless by choice or otherwise).
2. Married but no children.
3. Married but you cant depend on ur husband.
4. Married with children but you figure out that he's not the one.
5. Married but during ur confinement, he has an affair.
6. Married with children, and he has an affair (most common!!)

Well I believe that rezki orang lain-lain and people also define happiness differently...
It's a subjective matter!

Hikmah

2008-05-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

Well.. it has been a long time since I wrote in here! Yeah I know.. I got only myself to blame.. and again.. the same excuse : TIME!!

A dear friend of mine actually reminded me abt the existence of this blog yesterday and therefore, I am obligated to at least write somethg in here this morning as my last entry was in what?? February?? Gosh.. how time really flies...

Anyway, good things have happened these few months.. (this is because I refuse to remember the bad ones.. ;)) ). Hehehe.. Anyway, yesterday, despite the fact that someone else's boss gave me an assignment (and I couldn't say no because he's the CEO!!), was kinda good news in overall.. My previous boss is named as the BIG BIG boss at the ministry level!! P.Radin becomes the new KP JPT di KPT!!! Cool..

I just wonder what would happen to MIROS.. And for the first time.. I saw the hikmah me not moving there with him to MIROS early last year.. (but then if I did, it's only 1/2 year before my term finishes in MIROS and I can always come back to UPM..)... eventhough i've been told numerous times '..ada hikmahnya tu..' and what other people saw mostly is when I got promoted.. ontahlah... I guess what i want is a bit different from what others want kot...huhuhuhu..

I congratulate him for the new appointment yesterday.. he replied get ready as I will get his smses from now on.. hahaha it was funny because when he left, I smsed him that I'm gonna miss his smses.. Just cant believed that he remembered hahaha.. Anyway, hehehe another chance to do professional attachment in KPT!! Yippieeeee!!!!!

I guess setiap apa yang berlaku memang ada hikmahnya.. Dan jika kita fokus terlalu lama pd kekecewaan kita tu.. sampai bila2 pun kita tak nampak hikmah di depan mata.. jadi kenalah redha dengan apa yang Allah dah tulis untuk kita dan move on... Juga sentiasa berfikir yang watever happens, it happens for the best.. may be not for us...but we can always be happy for others... betul tak Mie?? hehehe

As for now.. I am happy with how things are.. a lot more to ask Allah but I am contented with what He has given me.. Alhamdulillah...

Oklah.. again, I am pledging to write as often as I could.. but only TIME will tell hehehe...

Morning Blues

2008-02-21T16:28:00.000-08:00

MAROON 5 LYRICS"Won't Go Home Without You"

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say Oh
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away
Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the nightI won't go home without
The taste of your breath, I'll never get over
The noises that you made kept me awake
Oh The weight of things that remained unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday
Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?Why does every moment have to be so hard?
"Hard to believe that
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without youIt's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you

Note: No one would know how I really feel...and I guess that's the best mysterious part...

Viral Fever

2008-02-18T23:51:00.000-08:00

I am not well.. It has been a week since I was struck by cough, flu, fever (almost gone now...) and it's making me weak. My running nose is impossible. Last Thursday and Friday were the worst, my head was spinning and on Thursday, I was the MC for a function at university's level.. can you believe it! And my voice was unbelievably hoarse.. my gosh.. but I endured the pain, the fever, the spinning.. and went thru the day.. Thanks to the Almighty God for giving me the strength.. and now I am still suffering from the fever but Alhamdulillah.. getting better... Thanks to KMala for taking me to the PK the other day.. I guess a lot of people cares for me as much as I care for others.. ye ke?? huhuhu

I guess I'd better focused on my health rather than my sickness.. huhuhuhu

Untitled la..Mcm banyak pulak isunya ;))

2008-01-14T05:27:00.000-08:00

So this is my second entry in this blog. Even though I kinda said that I'l write evryday, but time never permits.. so here I am!! Funny things happened today! I tot I was doomed but I finally realized that the damage that I did was not so fatal. In fact it tought me a lesson how to save my butt in time in need hahahah.. I was just lucky I know...and I promise never to do it again and ensure that my work would be properly in place and to my standard of perfection!! Enuf abt it la..

Last night I watched The Replacement. Keanu Reeves was the main character playing Falco, the quarterback of Washington Sentinel. As I watch the movie, I told myself to carpe diem.. seize the day. Temptations knocks all the time but opportunity comes only once. As MdGinty (the coach) said.. Glory, how matter brief, stays with the man! I think it's true coz, just like athletes, that particular seconds matter.. Thus, I'd better be wise enuf to make the right decision when the time comes. Last night a fren of mine from KPT called. We talked abt work and he was suggesting to me to do attachment at KPT for the duration of 1-2 years as most of the officers in his office are either sick, in INTAN, or MIA kot.. ;))

Knowing myself, I crave for challenges.. I perceive myself as a dynamic and always on the go.. Sometimes comfort zone scares me and does not flatter the passion for new things that I have within me..So when he told me abt it, I was thrilled! But the means is a bit difficult. As much as I want to leave my current office, I wouldnt have the heart to say it out loud to my boss. I care about her and as long as she needs me, I'm always there but I must also think of my future and my career path.. I cant just be stuck in that office while there's a lot of other things to explore and learn. I just wanted to be fair to myself! And I am sure when I have the courage to tell my boss, she would understand me... and if this guy is true to his words... I'll be esthatic!! Hahahaha..

The other day, a colleague told me she was offered another job. Gud for her...She has some doubts about her leaving etc..which I personally feel it's only normal. I believe that the only thing permanent in life is change.. I will embrace it but I am sure for those in the comfort zone wld have a hell of tough time when changes come.. And on that particular moning, her bag was snatched in front of her house. I would have been traumatised... The thing I learnt is that life is much more worthy than anything in my handbag. The fact that my fren was saved, cool pulak tu.. I think I have to set my brain to just surrender even though I am a fighter..I bet it's tough but I think I love my life ;))

Ishhh banyaknya bende nak tulis kat dlm kepala ni tapi bateri notebook ni pun dah nak kong!
Till later la...

New Exploration

2008-01-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

Salam to myself.. I guess I'll be the only one reading my own blog anyway.. I would consider this my diary. A lot of things to share (don't even know with whom but at least I am pouring my heart out..hehehe) but at least with this blog I am able to tract my definite feeling at the time of writing. Anyway, this blog thingy is new to me.. I got inspired as I was reading a friend of mine anf I found it's necessary to jot down wat happens to me along the course of my life.. Furthermore, probably this is my only way to share with pople around the globe.. ehh this blog works this way ka?? Dunnolah.. but anyway, whoever reads this, I hope u have fun and able to learn at least something from your time reading this piece of my mind...

Today was a good day in the first half!. I had fun playing paint ball with my officemates. Even though my group lost all the three games, still it was fun.. After analyzing the similarities of the game (the strategy etc...) with my personality, I realized that I kept on doing the same thing - the first two games, I went to the same spot and even when knowing that it didn't work. Why was that? But then again, I was ready to change strategy (during the third game) when the marshalls changed field.. Haiyaaa how to strategise la?? But as what life offers me.. it was all trial and error basis..taking risks (which I have not done for quite some time now..), opening up my horizons (in which I personally feel that it is already widened.. ontahlah.. may be I just wanna write it down..). Dah la kalah, kene kutuk kaw2 punya dgn group lagi satu... hampehhhh betul...tapi biarkan... today is theirs...huhuhuhuhu

2nd half of the day was really a challenge for me. For the first time, I felt so empty and bored to death. I CANNOT sleep - even I dunno wat happen to me..gosh.. tossing here and there but still sleep did not come!! Hampehhhh so much for the rest that I needed!!! And believe it or not there was NOTHING good on tv!!!

Thus, these unfortunate incidents led me to create this blog. Thanks to my boss for giving me the mobile internet for my usage. I apologise not fully using it for office matters but I gurantee that anything that u want me to do, I'll do it right the first time!! Hahaha yelah tu!!

That's it for now.. going for my isya' but a lot to explore in this blog... and also a lot to write... So i'll be back soon!!!